


QVC salesman collection

by kamja



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-04
Updated: 2013-06-04
Packaged: 2017-12-13 23:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamja/pseuds/kamja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Collection of various short pieces about Arashi as QVC salesmen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	QVC salesman collection

**Title:** Chemical-free

"Why hello there, I'm Satoshi Ohno and I'll be here for the next two hours on QVC. We have a great showcase tonight, starting with these luxury loofahs. All natural and made just for you lovely ladies who need to exfoliate."

The camera zooms in on the loofah in Ohno's hand. He runs one finger along the length of the loofah.

"You can just see all those fibers, good for scrubbing those hard to reach places. Bumpy and craggy, like...a mountain. Nothing like a good hunk of cellulose to take away built up skin. Uh, the loofahs are a natural beige color. No chemicals were used to make this product."

The camera zooms out, and Ohno is contemplating the loofah some more.

"Yeah, it'd be bad if it was made of chemicals...you'd just end up spreading those all over your body. Well, the loofah is a pretty good size. You can see here that it fits exactly in the palm of your hand. Not like those small ones from the supermarket. And not too big either, cos that would be weird. Who'd want a loofah the size of your arm, anyway? This one is a good-sized loofah. It comes with a cord for hanging in your shower. A special feature for our loofahs on QVC."

Ohno turns the loofah over in his hand for the millionth time.

"Only $19.99, folks. Call or log into our website to get this great deal. Great stocking stuffer."

 

**Title:** Angel Wings

The camera settled on Sho as he adjusted his tie. He looked at the assistant director.

"Are we rolling? Oh, we're on?" Sho abruptly sat up in his chair. Beside him, Nino snickered.

"April Fools," the AD said. Like most staffers stuck filming hour after hour for QVC, he seemed to get a kick out of messing with the various hosts.

Sho rolled his eyes. It was November. "Very funny guys--"

Nino cut across him as the camera started rolling for real. "Good evening, QVC viewers. We're here with you for the next three hours to showcase the new Maybelle Smith collection."

"Yes indeed. Smith pottery has been a perennial favorite at QVC for the past ten years," Sho chimed in, slyly kicking Nino under the table. "First, we have this lovely sugar jar made of the highest quality ceramics."

The camera zoomed in on a squat, round jar glazed in periwinkle blue. A grey tabby cat with angel wings was painted on it. Sho continued. "This one's a special treat for all you cat lovers out there. Only $17.99."

Nino stared. He didn't have a chance to see the items being sold before filming started. "Is the cat in heaven?"

"Well, the cat can also be an angel on Earth. Cats have that special ability to be affectionate companions for many years..."

"Like when they leave rats on your back step."

"Yes, it shows they care," Sho gave Nino a sidelong glance. He tapped the side of the jar. "The glaze is professionally applied for crystal-clear quality, and the cat is handpainted by artists in the Maybelle Smith studio in Idaho."

Nino nodded. "Should last you for many years to come. When your cat shreds the drapes, just look at this angelic cat and remember that you shouldn't be angry..."

Sho's look had turned steely by now. "We have limited quantities, so don't hesitate to call for your own jar right away. Our counter shows that 150 have already been sold in the last 2 minutes. Just $17.99 plus shipping and handling."

Behind the camera, the AD was slowly suffocating from holding in the laughter. This was a good day. 

 

**Title:** Essential Kitchen Tool

Off camera, an assistant placed the next item on the table. Jun turned around and brought it in front of him in one smooth motion.

"Up next, we have the Speedy Egg Peeler," it was a strange-looking thing. On a tray next to it was half a dozen hard-boiled eggs. "This is state of the art, folks. Now, how many times have any of you needed to make egg salad sandwiches and ended up with a mess instead?"

Jun picked up one of the eggs and cracked it on the tabletop. He started to pick off the shell one piece at a time. "It's so tedious and time consuming to peel each egg individually. Besides, sometimes the shell sticks to the white and just causes a mess. It's so difficult to get nice ones for deviled eggs."

He held up the egg, which he had been absentmindedly peeling as he talked. Jun was one of the best talkers on live QVC. The egg was perfectly smooth. He cleared his throat.

"It's such a mess..." he swiftly broke the egg in two. The yolk crumbled out onto the tabletop. "Ohhh....look at this...what a tragedy..."

"That's why everyone needs a Speedy Egg Peeler," he patted the top of the Peeler. "The parts are made in Germany and will last a lifetime. Only $25.99 and ships immediately. You could have perfect deviled eggs and egg salad in mere moments."

He waved at the eggy mess in front of him. The look on his face was full of conviction. "I mean, what would we do without it?"

 

**Title:** Full Support

"...a sandbox for monkeys is truly ingenious. I wouldn't be surprised if they get sold out before evening, so hurry to that phone," Aiba smiled sweetly at the camera. "Ok, that's all for my segment. Up next we have Tiffany King with her hour of women's wear..."

Behind the camera, the AD was waving furiously. Aiba trailed off as he looked over, confused. 

"What?" 

An intern in a green polo shirt and khakis held up a sign. Aiba scanned it quickly.

"Ohh...uhh, Tiffany won't be able to join us today, so I'll be taking over for her," Aiba smiled again. It was gonna be overtime pay, and he was fine with that. He looked at the next cue card. "Okay then, let's get started. We have a great collection for all the lovely ladies at home today. Real exciting stuff. QVC is proud to present an exclusive line of bras imported straight from Sweden."

It took him a moment to actually process what he'd said. He coughed. An assistant wheeled in a set of mannequins wearing the bras. Aiba coughed again. "Whoo, it must be the change of seasons, excuse me."

He thankfully stepped to the side as the camera zoomed in on the mannequins. All he needed to do was read the cards, right? "The fabric is a blend of breathable cotton and spandex, so it'll stretch to fit any body type," Here, the AD was instructing him to make hand motions. Aiba awkwardly placed his hand underneath the breast of the nearest mannequin but didn't touch it. "And under here...is a memory wire that won't lose its shape. Perfect for those ladies who are...generously blessed...and need the support." 

The camera zoomed out. Aiba hadn't moved, so it looked like he was going to grope the mannequin. He quickly snatched his hand back.

_If Nino takes a screencap of this_ , Aiba reflected. _I'm gonna kill him._

 

**Title:** Happy Peppy People

(Includes I Love Lucy reference)

"And now, we will showcase a new health product here on QVC," Ohno held up a glass bottle. "Vitameatavegamin. This special formula is made with vitamins, meat, vegetables and minerals. Full of essential amino acids and antioxidants."

He turned the bottle around in his hand. He'd never tried it before, to be honest. "A lot of people these days feel run down. Vitameatavegamin is the answer. It's guaranteed to give you lots of energy and make you feel great."

Off camera, the director motioned for him to taste it.

Ohno obediently picked up a spoon. "All you have to do is take one tablespoon after every meal. You can spoon your way to health."

He poured out a spoon of the stuff and put it in his mouth. Ohno was silent for a moment as he swallowed it. The expression on his face was absolutely unreadable. At length, he looked up again. 

"Yeah, and it's pretty good, too," he said, and sniffed. "So call now for your bottle. It's only $39.99 and we have a limited supply."

Ohno looked like he was ready to throw up, but the director motioned for him to keep going. He took a deep breath. "And yes, we'll be selling this and other wonderful health products for the next two hours. Vitameatavegamin."

About eighty minutes later, Ohno was leaning back on his chair. Under the off-camera direction, he'd taken nearly one third of the bottle. He loosened his tie. "Full of antibodies and acid." He giggled. "Where else are you gonna find stuff like this? You can spoon your way to health."

He paused. Then he leaned forward, pointing his finger at the camera. "Y'know who _I'd_ like to spoon my---"

The producers cut to a rerun of Sho selling a magic blender, which they no longer had in stock.


End file.
